Velma.org

This year for Earth Day, I organized the Allendale neighborhood cleanup. We had a great turn out, and got the bus stop picked up and weeded, and litter picked up on High Street for two blocks in either direction, and all in record time. We were done by 10:30!   There were eight bags of litter and four bags of green waste.

Thanks to all who helped! And kudos to Oakland Earth Day folks for fabulous organization and support. Very well done!

Olie is 1.5 years old. I’ve learned a lot over the past couple of years. Most of the time, I’m happy. I’m learning to play, and be in the present. Olie is an excellent teacher. I thought I’d share some of the resources that have helped me so far.

First, to review…
What I found helpful during pregnancy
What I wish I’d had ready when Olie was born
Things useful in the 4th Trimester

Hindsight is 20/20
It took a while to get the hang of some things – like managing the home, having realistic expectations, resting, taking breaks, taking time for myself, asking for help, enjoying my husband, allowing Olie to be on his own schedule, going with the flow… I’m still working on some of these, but I’m vastly improved from a year ago, when I quit my job because I couldn’t be a superwoman – and excel at being an employee, mother, partner, home maker, cook and self. I had completely unrealistic expectations, and had to recover from a spin from exhaustion down in to postpartum depression. So, here is a list of some of the things that I’ve found helpful in the last year.

• This Isn’t what I expected – Overcoming postpartum depression – This book has a good clinical description of the stages and degrees of PPD. It also has some good suggestions for getting help.
• Mother’s Guide to Self Renewal – Most books on being a good mom focus on how to take care of the family. This is one of the few (only?) books I found that talks about how to be a good mom by practicing self-care. It’s a workbook, and is great when done with a group of other mom’s. I’ve started this with one in January, and I LOVE it.
• And Baby Makes Three – This is good book on helping the marriage weather the transition to parenthood. I wish I’d read this a year ago.
• Hand in Hand parenting – This organization has a lot of helpful articles, and a great blog, that helps describe what attachment parenting looks like with older children. The tools are accessible, easy to grasp. They have support groups that I so want to join. The basic ideas are similar to unconditional parenting, but you don’t have to read a book to get it.
• Daily Groove parenting – Scott Noelle dishes out bite sized parenting wisdom in a daily email. They’ve definitely helped me enjoy parenting more.
• Fly Lady - I have a little bit of a perfectionist streak, and so when I first accepted my title as Home Executive, I decided to learn how to perfectly clean a house. The problem with that is that it seems so hard, I never get started! Enter Fly Lady. She has a system for home management that makes it manageable, minimal and even sometimes fun. It works.
• Clear your Clutter with Feng Shui – Part of making a home easy to maintain and enjoy is getting rid of the clutter. This book helped me shed car loads of stuff and unfinished (never started!) projects. With out that stuff in my way, it’s so much easier to tidy up and focus on what I really enjoy doing, instead of feeling guilty for all the things I haven’t done yet!
• What’s a Smart Woman like you Doing at Home? – This book helped me get into and understand my conflicts about being a stay at home mom. The organization that wrote it has some other good articles and books too.
• My Child Won’t Eat - another La Leche League book. This book greatly relieved my concerns about Olie’s eating or not eating. Bottom line -never force a child to eat, and as long as you’re giving them healthy options, don’t worry about what they do or don’t eat. Trust them to get the nutrition they need.

Biggest Lesson
Down shift – When I first quit my job and was home, I had so many things I wanted to do. And I did many of them with Olie in tow. Eventually, I figured out that they just wore me out and left me no energy for enjoying myself, Olie or Mark. I went from doing 2-3 outings/errands a day to doing one every other day, which is about right for now. However, when Olie or I have a cold, the number of outings/errand/activities/chores goes down to zero a day, and we spend the whole day resting, and I even order in food (from Home on the Range). This allows us to heal quickly and not completely melt down on the way.

Biggest Help
I’ve been lucky to find a group of other like-minded women with children around Olie’s age. This has been a HUGE help. We have a weekly play date, a babysitting co-op and a dinner co-op. Besides having four other moms I trust Olie with and a delicious vegan meal every week, there are people I can talk to about the joys and challenges of being a mother. I appreciate their insights and experience.  It also means I don’t have to read ALL the parenting books. I can just get the report from them. It’s also wonderful to see Olie hug and kiss the other moms and kids. Soooo sweet.  I can’t understate how big a difference this has made in my life. If you can, find other moms you would be friends with anyway. It’s priceless.

Here’s an interesting article on how it could be helpful to babies.

Tonight is the longest night of the year, a perfect time for reflecting on the year past. And it’s been quite a year, much different than I ever could have imagined.

Last January, I went back to work at Save the Redwoods League, when Olie was three months old. My dad came out to take care of him for the first month I was working, which was a blessing. He definitely earned his black belt in infant care. After he left, I quickly discovered that I couldn’t do it all – being a mom, an employee, a partner, a home manager, and a self – in a way anywhere close to my standards. After many discussions and much soul searching, I decided to quit my job at Save the Redwoods. While I was really sad to leave my work and co-workers, I was grateful to have the time to recover, grow, and explore myself as a mother.

The first month I was home, I didn’t make a list (gasp!) and just enjoyed being with Oliver. Then I set about learning how to manage a home in the most efficient, effective way possible. Enter lists galore!  After a little bit, I found FlyLady.net which proved to be extremely helpful. From the FlyLady, I’ve learned to take baby steps, so that I don’t get overwhelmed and quit what I started. I’ve also learned that a lot can be done in 15 minutes – like cleaning the kitchen, for instance. And, check this out, cleaning can be a blessing instead of a chore because first, I have something to clean and second, being in a clean place is a gift to myself and my family. Vacuuming and mopping really does make a difference. And, finally, I’ve developed a routine. I really benefit from routine, habits and structure. This way, when I deviate from the routine, I can make a conscious choice about what I’m not going to do.  Oh, and I also got rid of a bunch of stuff – inspired by the book Clear your Clutter with Feng Shui. Having less stuff makes keeping things tidy much easier.

Then, came summer. Dad came back for the month of July to escape the Missouri heat and humidity. We took our first family vacation – to Humboldt County with my Dad and Mark’s Mom along. We rented a house in Rio Dell for a week and toured some of our favorite redwood parks. It was pretty fun. Next time, I need to remember to let other people cook, so I can have a little vacation too!

Oliver turned one in September. We had a little party for him the day before and spent the day of just having family time.

It was around this time that I noticed that being a SAHM can be isolating. So, I’ve started reaching out to friends, making new friends and have made a list of things I like to do, so that when I have time, I don’t have to wait to remember. My dad came out again for Thanksgiving. He and Oliver had a great time.  

Compared to Grandpa and Dada, Mama is B-O-R-I-N-G.

Overall, it’s been a good year. I wouldn’t trade it for anything, even with the dark, bumpy bits. I’m optimistic about the next year. I know that we have many adventures in store, even if I have no clue what they are.